That's in large part because explanations are always utilitarian, rational, and based on principles of acquisition, self-justification, and the univer...ally agreed upon value of survival. What I'm doing here has nothing to do with any of these sensible daytime pursuits. What I'm doing is gambling everything (yes, even my life) for a moment of ecstasy—the ecstasy of losing everything for nothing. Nothing, that is, but the thrill of absolute surrender.It’s sexual, to be sure, but not just. I took a deep breath. “Mark, how…how did she –?” I couldn’t bring myself to say the word die. It has such an ugly aura of finality to it. “Well,” Mark paused, then he continued. “A car accident of some sort. Three other people were killed, Jim, so it must have been pretty bad. The cops haven’t really said anything else.” “My God, no,” I whispered. “I’m really sorry, man,” Mark said quietly. “Is there anything I can do?” “No, not really,” I said. “Look, thanks for telling me yourself. You did. More

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