I know myself better than any other and I know that I lack the capacity for truly endearing emotions. I love pain and danger yet I feel incapable of l...ve and innocence. My life is a shadow of anger — I'm drowning in rage and disgust for myself. My entire being is an imposition.Water: an undeniably relaxing element. When I feel it swish against me at the beach, when it knocks me under it's surface with powerful surges and when it falls relentlessly from the sky I feel calm — as if my problems. I think I drove him in my car – or at least I must have. That was terrible judgment!I rarely give control away of my safety ever. I find Montreal is such a safe haven as a transvestite. Unfortunately, I was allowing myself to lose complete control and awareness of my surroundings. I also seemed to be doing this quite unconsciously.My weeks of starving myself down to model-like thinness and my skipping both lunch and dinner didn’t help. I had lost control in a way that I never, ever wanted to. More

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