I did however have guys messaging me first, at the time I had no interest, I only wanted women but with a mixture of loneliness and curiosity I starte... to casually send a few messages back.This became a very slippery slope, it would start with a few messages but when the conversation turned sexual I'd have this swell of anxiety and ghost them, I kept telling myself I'm not gay, I have no interest in guy but I kept going back. This time maybe I'd reciprocate, tell them how much I'd like to try. Kind of like I am an observer who is there in the middle of the action but not really a part of it. It is weird. I feel like writing, stories, filled with hope and dreams and glimpses of worlds never before seen. Then the mood passes and I feel that door to the world I have seen, slowly close and seal itself, never to be opened again. Footsteps echoing hauntingly down a deserted stone hallway. Reverberating and bouncing from wall to wall down to the depths of myself, to that small scared,. More

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