Brutal. Complete. The despair of my own emptiness was merciless and amazing. I wanted it. I needed the pain with the same desperation that a beached f...sh needed water. But if the self-contempt I embraced that night taught me anything, it taught me that we don’t always get what we need. That everybody has problems. That we adapt. That either we suck it up and move on or we shrivel up and blow away. So as I always do, I did the right thing. But I did the right thing knowing that without water, no. A derringer may be a tiny gun, but it is nothing to fool with. The original derringer was a .51 caliber cap and ball weapon, but most had been converted to shoot the new .410 shotgun shell loaded with three #00 buckshot balls. It was no good beyond 10-15 feet, but it was a killer up close. Luckily for me, I was able to get my Starr DA swung around and pointed at the agent's belly in time to fire before he did. The derringer was single-action, and it could no compete with my double-action. More

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