.. As I did, I counted four spent condoms on the floor (the fact that they were tied into neat knots to prevent spillage, immediately appealed to the ...CD side of my nature. Of course you wouldn't have known it to look at the rest of my apartment but it was true!) I felt a heavy leg awkwardly slump over mine, followed by an arm over my lower back. I turned around into it. My heart sank and stomach lurched as I recognised Red Barry, one of the bouncers from Shenanigans, a club I often frequented. I kept the TV, my mum's favourite armchair — and my old bed, as I was buggered if I was going to sleep in any bed Miriam and Hodge had been shagging on. Next on my list was to install a home security system, in case Hodge, or his henchmen, paid me an unannounced night visit. I expected Miriam wanted to get into the house to collect her possessions, if there were any left, and they might come round one evening when I was at home. Forewarned is forearmed, and a call to 999 when suspicious. More

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