He loved and wanted me. I should have felt relieved and confident and encouraged by that knowledge, but I wasn't. The fantasy that I'd kept buried for...a year, or perhaps longer than that since I'd become aware of it, was spoiling it for us. I wanted more than a husband to love me, or I needed Kurt to express his love in some other way, in a way that seemed completely at odds with the very definition of love. It was a paradox and it was eating away at me inside."She called me," I said. If you're not quick, I'm going to make my mess without you." "I'm hurrying." Fortunately I'd been busy since the word "idiot" had popped into my addled mind. Finally I was able to say, "I'm ready and waiting for your instructions." She just started gasping and groaning and I was forced to act on my own inititiatve. As soon as she'd settled down, she started telling me what she was doing with her breasts and how heavy they felt and how much they were leaking and how good they felt when. More

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