Tears burn my eyes as I grieve for the lost chance to wake up next to you. I still want to hold your hand everywhere, at home, in public, during sex a...d while we sleep. I have so many questions that will have to remain unanswered. This loss, the slow grind of acceptance, is terrible. You fill my thoughts and my heart hurts. I wish for a different outcome. Crazy thoughts shoot through my head, bouncing off memories of you. What if I’d called sooner? I should have sent more little positive. So no beer that night (well a little one) and early to bed. No hiking was planned for the following day so i had a lie in.Thing is - the lie in seemed to make it worse. The waiter saw me hobbling around at breakfast and asked if i was ok. So i told him the problem. He said 'we see this a lot. If you go for a sauna, then have a swim in the cold pool (the hotel had a wellness centre) all should be well. If it still hurts after we can arrange a back massage for you'. This sounded good, so three. More

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